last words.

last ride in Marko’s car

last time in the public pools

last dinner

last church service

last group photo

last meal with church people

last time gazing stars on the balcony

last goodnight

I think I can go on and on and on about the number of last things I did today, the list is just about so long as santa’s list. So many goodbyes, it’s just hard to imagine that I’ll wake up 2 days later on the other side of the earth.

And this is probably my last post here, if I don’t write anything at Heathrow.

I think the finality of it all has not entirely hit me yet. For now, it’s still the excitement of going home that’s really driving me forward. And that same excitement has robbed me of my precious sleep – I find myself awake at 6am.

6am?!?!?!

emotions running wild

If I were to pick a word to describe myself right now, it would be the word “overwhelmed”. I think it would have been the same word that I would have picked when it was 5 days before I left Singapore for Germany.

Except that the circumstances and the emotions are an entirely different set.

When I was coming here, it was a feeling of anxiety, that I was leaving my family. I so badly wanted to be at home, with family, because whether we admit it or not, unity and strength of families are felt primarily in the presence of loved ones. I was upset that I was leaving Joe. I was excited at the prospect of being in Europe, at the prospect of learning new things (one of my loves!), of seeing Kathrin and Marko again. But if I were asked to define the general feeling, (like dipole moments) I would say that my pull factor to stay in Singapore was greater than my push factor to come to Germany.

Now that I am leaving, I feel a sense of sadness. I wish that I could bring all these lovely people that I have met back to Singapore. This week, being my last week here, I’ve said so many goodbyes and hope-to-see-you-again-somehows that I have almost become numb already. I feel sad that all these wonderful people I have met, I might, never again in this life, see again. This is a new feeling altogether, one that is rather foreign to me, having lived a good part of my life in Singapore. I’ve just started to like this place, and it is yet again time for goodbyes, except that this time, it is, quite possibly, for good. Don’t get me wrong, I am definitely looking forward to going home; I have been, all the time that I have been here, looking forward to going home, not because it isn’t nice here, but simply because I miss the people at home. While I wouldn’t say that I haven’t spent enough time with the people here and cherished them as I should have, (because I did make efforts to meet up here and there!) more time with them (not at the expense of lengthening my time away from home) wouldn’t have hurt. (:

I think that right at the top of my list, the person I would really miss is Kathrin. She is like a sister and a friend, I don’t feel afraid when I am with her. I can really say what I feel, cry when I am upset, and she always understands (or tries to! (: ) I love being in the kitchen with her! And Marko, the person I would run to when I face problems like an unyielding and difficult lady at the Immigrations office or even a spider that has dropped into the bath while I’m about to wash my feet.

Then there are church friends. Oh, if only the people at St Paul’s could just be a teeny weeny little bit like they are here. St Cat’s is just oozing with love, you can’t stay for coffee hour and be interested in your cup of coffee or tea hoping no one will talk to you because that simply does not work. I have tried it before so I can tell you, the people there are the most loving people you’ll ever meet. If there is a church where there is hardly any politics, St Cat’s is it. At least it seems to be for me! Perhaps it is the very nature of our church, that we are made up of people that we know will come and go, for most of the members of the congregation are people that are in Stuttgart for a set amount of time. 6 months, 3 yrs, 5 yrs. We don’t have time to be judgemental. We only have time to love. St Cat’s has played such a big role in helping me get comfortable here, St Cat’s has loved my heartache away.

There are also, for sure, friends that I have met here through school. Nikki, I think I’ll miss her the most. I can’t tell you how happy I was to have found a friend in her, how comfortable I was with her. At first, I must admit that I felt a little taken aback, how she always said, “I don’t care!” But getting to know her has led me to learn that what she really meant was, “I won’t judge you for it!” She is one of the most easy-going people I’ve ever met, it’s hard not to be laughing with her around.

I think I’m equally sad and happy to be going home. I am excited at the prospect of finally being where I really belong, with family and Joe and friends (see how Joe’s like, in a separate category!). I am sad that all these nice people I have met, I may never in my life meet again. I now understand why Wilfrid keeps in touch with his friends from Australia. I never was able to comprehend why before I came, but now I am.

The only thing that comforts me right now is that with every goodbye comes a hello. Goodbye Germany, Hello Singapore.

I’m coming homeeeeeee!!!!

in 17 days baybeeeeeeee! BUT please don’t come to the airport okay!!! (: i’ll be dead tired from more than a day’s worth of travelling, and I’ll be rushing off to the subordinate courts to give my darling lawyer-to-be boyfriend a bigggggg huggggg (:

I’m so so so so so so excited!! (:

hallucination?

It’s so funny, now whenever I smell food, it somehow smells like the aromas of Chomp Chomp, or when I hear people speak, I seem to hear them in chinese. And when I look around, there are no asians around, and upon careful listening, they’re really just speaking in german.

OH NO. this is home-sickness to the next level already.

You know you miss home when…

1. Prawns make you high, fish too, or anything that comes from the sea for that matter.
2. Pictures of anything that has some obscure link to life in Singapore makes you reminisce, doesn’t matter what the picture is, even if it is of a bus stop where you once took a bus from.
3. You start packing your luggage already, even though it’s more than four weeks before your plan takes off from the airport.
4. You derive happiness from SEEing anything remotely asian.
5. You think of all the clothes you can wear when you get home.
6. You think of all the places you can go when you get home.
7. You eat every single stalk of Towgay you see on your Dim Sum plate, even though it came more as decoration than to be eaten.
8. You take chilli sauce even though you know you will get a terrible tummy ache afterwards and in the first place, you don’t take chilli or anything spicy.
9. You go to the gym often even though your muscles (or lack of) are still aching from the previous workout the day before. Just so you can look nice when you get back.
10. You actually look forward to going to school in NUS.

I know I will miss this place, but
I know I’m ready to go home. (:

I can’t tell if I’m a neat freak, or a messy little girl.

I am a neat freak: I clean up my room very often, and I have to vacuum, wipe, put everything back in its place.

I am a messy little girl: I can be so fickle about what I want to wear, I throw my clothes all over my room, stuff in my drawer, whatever. Messy little girl creates all the mess that neat freak has to clean up.

I just totally cleaned up my room less than 24 hours ago, what happened?! my room’s in a HUGE mess all over again.

THAT ASIDE.

I met Heather today for Tea! I’m so glad I did, finally drag my lazy bum out of my house, finally go out to meet friends after cancelling on so many people. We went to the nicest little cafe ever, I love love love it there. I think it’s like, my favourite place now, aside from pricey food. The whole place is so nice and serene, the music’s good, I LOVE IT!! (: It’s called Reishaus I THINK. (Photos following!)

knock knock

knock knock.

who’s there?

God.

God who?

God who is always here to remind you of His ways.

So I’ll start today’s post with the everyday things first: School was really long and tiring. what was supposed to be a 1.5 hour lecture turned into a 3 hour lecture. 1.5 hours is really optimum, it’s about the amount of time before I crash and need a break from concentrating on german speech. So three hours really just killed me. But I pulled through, with my student feed; nuts and raisins. It’s about as healthy as snacks can go without being messy (fruits).

I caught up with my dear old friend shirley today. I always love talking to old friends. They remind you of who you used to be, and yet they also bring with them the reality that life moves on, they have changed, with or without you, with or without you noticing it. I’m glad we’re still close friends even after periods of no catching up! It’s like, we can not talk to each other for 2 years and 2 years on, we’re still as close, as if it was just yesterday that we last talked.

Met Heather today for a modern ballet, it’s some young choreographers thing. I love ballet, I love the way a ballerina can twirl, I love it how she can do things that I would love to do myself but will never have the chance to. The third piece of the evening was way by my favourite, as with a good majority of the audience. The Brazilian dancers executed it so so well, the choreography was stunning, during the dance there were many gasps. There was this part where the guy like lunged onto the girl, at the height of her throat. He actually landed squarely on his two feet, supporting the girl by her neck as she lay between his legs. It’s all very swift movement, but very very impressive. Another part of it had the guy slowly (very very very slowly) from standing position lean forward like a rod. You just can imagine how we’re all trying to guess when he’ll lose his balance, until we realise that the girl is still holding his feet firmly to the ground. The use of sound, the whole body movement, excellent excellent! However, as the emcee so aptly put it (in german no doubt), almost all forms of artisans can exhibit their own artform on their own: the painters have their paintings, the writers have their passages, only choreographers cannot. They need the help of dancers, of technical crew, of lights, of sound. (well technically all composers cannot either, they need an orchestra. but hey, the emcee was an old but witty man, so we’ll give him credit for it. (: )

So the point of my post today.

I love it how God speaks to me through my wandering thoughts. I was just sitting quietly by myself on the train to Stuttgart, on my way to catch the ballet. I had a book in my bag, one that has had my attention all week, but decided against reading it. Was thinking of the nice books I read, and God brought my mind to one of my all time favourites, Rachel’s Tears.

Background: Rachel died in the Columbine High School shoot out. She was no saint, but she tried to fully live out her life for God. She showed her love of Christ through the way she reacted to people, through her disbelief in discrimination. She struggled daily with her faith, and was really honest with God about the weaknesses in her life. In the end, she somehow had a premonition of how she was going to die, her journal revealed a very detailed drawing: A Columbine flower with 13 bloody tear drops. she died because she refused to deny Christ in front of the shooter. 13 people died in the shoot out.

I sometimes wonder if we really would like to know our real calling. I think God is really wise, perhaps he doesn’t tell us just yet because he knows we might not be able to cope with what he has for us… yet. Rachel’s death has brought many to Christ through her life story, especially the people whom she had a chance to personally encounter and change their perception of Christ through her own testimony. That was Rachel’s destiny, and she was ready to take on the challenge God had for her, so God did reveal it to her.

I can only pray that God will mould me and use me, just like he did with Rachel. That he’ll humble my heart and teach me to accept people for who they truly are, without slight, without inflicting any of the hurt that society already inflicts on them through discrimination.

Amen.

PHOTOPOSt.

Joe sent me this really funny email with all the different signs. If only signs in Singapore had such humour and no bad english. Too bad, our signs only come with a stern tone in 4 languages. They really make sure you get the point.

On a lighter note, I cooked today! Somewhat… not without help from Kathrin of course. Made a little photojournal of it, enjoy!

39 days 2 hours 44 minutes

I seriously have no idea how I’m feeling towards going home anymore. I was looking forward to it so terribly, yet now that the countdown for me to leave has dipped to under 40 days, it seems that half a year has flown by just too quickly.

I must say, however, that I have had the most wonderful time here, a time of enjoyment, of learning, and of growing (hopefully not sideways!) I love it that I’m staying with such a lovely couple. I loved it when Joe came to visit with Elgina and Junwen, that 3-week holiday was so much fun! I loved it when my parents came to visit, what a reunion that was!

And now, I have to prep myself to say goodbye to this place, which has been home (of sorts) for the past few months. This place where I’ve laughed and also shed many tears, I’ve even learnt to cook here. Joe will be pleased that his girlfriend is much more domesticated now. (gosh, I sound like a pet cat or dog.) I’ve learnt the importance of family, and of friends. I’ve learnt to cherish what I have, to be content and not to always be seeking without thankfulness of what I already own/experienced.

I thoroughly dislike goodbyes, and this final one would be bitter-sweet. Hopefully, as Charis says, it would be a “see you later!”

“See you later, Germany”?